Jesse ‘Sulli’ Sullivan gave birth to his first child 17 years ago. Now he’s experiencing parenthood as a trans dad.

Jesse “Sulli” Sullivan is a parent like any other, learning things along the way and taking cues from how he was raised by his own parents. But the influencer and activist does have a unique perspective: He’s a trans dad who feels able to tap into both the paternal and maternal sides of parenting.

“There is still a maternal aspect in my parenting,” Sullivan tells Yahoo Life. “People have even noticed it without knowing I’m trans. They’re like, ‘Oh, you’re so good with the baby, you’re a baby whisperer,’ and these kinds of things. I’m not offended by that or anything, because I own that part of me. I always have as a trans man.”

Sullivan was 18 and had not yet come out as trans when he gave birth to his first child, Arlo. He spent the next 13 years raising Arlo as a single parent while transitioning into the man and father that he is today. At 35, Sullivan is no longer flying solo, and his family has grown; he and his fiancée, influencer and former reality TV star Francesa Farago, have 7-month-old fraternal twins, Locket and Poetry.

Both Sullivan and Farago document their home life on social media, giving their followers an intimate look at what a modern LGBTQ family looks like. Even the most mundane moments carry a message.

“My activism is showing you that a trans guy can just live a life with babies and a wife and cook and clean and grocery shop,” says Sullivan. “Young people do not get to see this.”

Parenting from a new perspective

Sullivan has been open about how his pregnancy and childbirth experience with Arlo contributed greatly to his gender dysphoria and ultimately the discovery of his trans identity. Having been treated first as a mother and now as a father, he’s seen firsthand “the double standards” at play when it comes to gendered parenting roles.

“It’s a unique perspective on how we treat mothers vs. fathers and women vs. men,” he says. “I’ve gotten to see both sides.”

The expectations put on women still live within him. “When society saw me a certain way for 30 years, I had to learn everything else that a girl or a woman learns,” Sullivan says. “So I’ve experienced every single thing that they have. And therefore, I’ve learned to be softer, I’ve learned to be more patient, I’ve learned to be maternal, I’ve learned to clean and to cook and to do everything that we teach girls to do.”

Outside of his experience with gender identity, Sullivan is also adjusting to parenting with a partner rather than being a single parent. “I told myself I would never have another kid alone,” he says. “Although it was, like, what shaped me as a person, it was so hard.”

But co-parenting isn’t always smooth sailing. Raising kids with Farago means he’s not the only one calling the shots, and that took some time to get used to. “I didn’t expect that my biggest struggle — other than zero sleep, because they’re twins — would be kind of relinquishing some of that power, I guess,” he admits. “I was so used to deciding every single thing with Arlo: What they wore, what they ate, how we put them to sleep, like every single thing. And then all of a sudden I’m having to be like, ‘Oh, what do you think?’ And I didn’t like it. It was really hard.”

Gentle (and gender-neutral) parenting

Sullivan’s perspective on modern parenting includes a more gentle approach. “We would never do extremely harsh punishments in any way, whether physical or nonphysical. We are much more about talking things through and getting to understand why even the toddler feels the way they do,” he says. He believes in being a parent who takes ownership and apologizes for any wrongdoing to his children. “I guess it’s a form of gentle parenting.”

Sullivan also sees gender-neutral parenting as the future, noting that it’s something he intentionally did with Arlo, who now identifies as nonbinary. But not everybody understands it.

“The biggest misconception is that we’re just sitting there reading [our kids] queer books and teaching them to be queer and trans and forcing [Arlo] to wear boy clothes. … Really, our parenting style is just gender-neutral,” he says. “Raise them with their biological sex, with no pressure to present that way. So, yeah, we call Locket ‘he’ and we call Poetry ‘she.’ And if Poetry is obsessed with princesses, then she can be obsessed with princesses. If Locket’s obsessed with princesses, then he can [be]. … Let your child have that path to freely discover who they are. It’s really that simple.”

In search of safety

While Sullivan and Farago currently live in Los Angeles, they’ve recently decided to move to Canada, where Farago is from, amid new U.S. policies threatening the LGBTQ community’s rights. As a trans man, that includes “my passport getting reverted back to female and the kind of danger that puts me in traveling,” Sullivan says. There’s also the uncertainty that lies ahead for Arlo and their two other children.

“I can protect myself as well as I can as a 35-year-old adult. But I have a 16-year-old who’s gender-nonconforming and we don’t know exactly what that is going to be,” says Sullivan. “Is that going to be a trans person? Is it not? Is Arlo going to want hormones? Are they not? We don’t know where that’s heading. And I don’t want to raise my kid in a country where I’m going to worry about Arlo being in school; I’m going to worry about Arlo walking down the street, especially because people know who Arlo is. I’m going to worry about Arlo using the bathroom that they want to use.”

He and Farago haven’t yet decided where they will settle, and are currently looking for homes in both Vancouver and Ottawa, where they’re sure to have a support system of family and friends. “I think the best thing that LGBTQIA people can do is try to keep their sense of community,” he says.

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